I tried to wake up yesterday. But then remembered I wasn’t asleep. Yes, leave some room at the top for cream. Sugar is to your left, on the counter at the end. You know, I think I’ll go home and mull this over. You can come too, but only if you spot me the bus fare. It’s going up these days. Something about embargoes and global economic crises. I’m sure it’ll all be over tomorrow. Flavour of the week and yesterday I found twenty pence on the street. Then was nearly killed by a bus when I reached down to pick it up. He said to me you were nearly killed when you stopped in the middle of the street. I was in the middle of the street. Who knew?
Motionless, except for the lapping of the waves, gently on the riverbank. Have you ever felt this? It really is such a weight. It always seems less in the sunshine though. Funny that. You know, I opened my eyes the other day, and saw you. Only it wasn’t you. You were shorter. Lighter hair. And you might have been a woman. But it is a strange way to carry yourself. I’d say that it’s better three paces to the left, although I admit I’m not a very good judge of these things. Helps to be normal. Helps to be real as well. No no, three would be just fine. Oh hello there. Why, just now I think I thought a thought of you.
Yesterday I saw the sun swallow the sky. And there was blood everywhere, dripping from the horizon, blue veins exposed and tracing their way through a pale flesh. I couldn’t decide if it was horrific or beautiful. Maybe both. Call me a liar, but that’s where my favourite things about life remain. On the edges of stardust. Did you know that if you blink three times quickly and sneeze, you get a brief glimpse of the afterlife? No, it’s true. Most people don’t realize because they close their eyes.
The secret to life is to want two of everything. That way, when you only get one, you’ll be disappointed. Or maybe it’s the other way around. No miss, I don’t want fries with that. Have you seen the way they look at us? Like gods we are to them. Yes, yes I’ll be right back. I’m just stepping around the corner for cigarettes. But it doesn’t hurt to be sure. I was sure once. Didn’t last long.
If I could melt into anything, I’d like it to be a G&D’s green tea ice cream. That would be so refreshing. It could only be on the weekends though. One ticket to the midnight showing. I’ve always liked going to the cinema alone. I don’t have to share my popcorn. Have you ever seen that film where the guy meets the girl, only not straight away, and then after they haven’t met, but before anything else exciting happens, he dreams her into life? No? It’s pretty good, but a little confusing. Could you hold that thought? I have to go to the bathroom.
I’ve always wanted to see what happens when the lights go out. Sorry, haven’t got any change on me. Did you know that an open palm is a sign of dismissal in some countries, I forget which, and that a man once went to jail for waving at a policeman in the street. I read it in a magazine, so it must be true. Sometimes we fold boats out of old newspapers, and race them down the storm drains.
Could you cry on cue? I mean really cry. I didn’t cry when my last cat died. I’m saving those tears. Miss, my dog died and I’m absolutely beside myself. Can’t you tell? Would you know what it is to be distraught?
I caught the midnight train. Better than another night in an empty train station. Don’t you have anywhere to go? I once went somewhere, but when I opened my eyes it wasn’t there anymore. That’s not the best part of the story though. There was something about a quest, and an unattainable goal that I attained. But then maybe the goal was just to feel. You wouldn’t think that a particularly difficult thing to do, having never been numb. There’s something about the way you wear your hair. I’ve just had it cut. Which would explain it. I told you. I said, there’s one thing that can explain all of life’s mysteries. You never believe me though. Me, who never lies. Don’t fall away. I wasn’t planning on it. I’ve only just gotten used to standing.
One of these days I’m going to write a book. And it shall be called a Life of Mondays. Or How to Quietly Deny Having Ever Existed. It’s something I think about often. But I don’t recommend you try it. I mean, after two pints I’m practically upended. Three would push me right off the edge. But have you ever flown before? No, like really flown. I met a bird once who told me it was the easiest thing in the world. You just had to forget to remember to stop falling. I was limping for the next two weeks.
There’s definitely something in the air tonight. I’ve been sneezing since mid-afternoon. But everytime I try to see the afterlife they pull the curtains closed. Must not like voyeurs.
It may not mean much to you, but I am half sick of shadows.
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