The Fabric of Our Lives

So I’ve discovered an obvious wormhole into a separate dimension. There’s a fundamental tear in the space-time continuum, and it’s already claimed my favorite belt and, more worryingly, my house keys. Somehow, and I remain wholly confounded as to how, both items have disappeared within the confines of my room. And I must say that, while it’s not a particularly small room, it is rather a sparsely furnished room on account of my having begun a new life half the world away with two suitcases and a backpack. Not enough clutter for their disappearance to simply be explained by a lack of organizational skills. No. This hints at something much darker. Something sinister. Douglas Adams once told me that there’s an entire planet inhabited by missing fountain pens that have quite simply fucked off to the stars. Apologies for the profanity there, entirely my own and not the good Mr. Adams’. But the point remains that my leather belt is now sunning himself with an iced mojito on some beach resort island three galaxies down the road and my jeans are falling down, all on account of an accidental wormhole located on 39 Ferry Road, Oxford, OX3 0EU. Happily though, the other dimension for my keys was just down the stairs and around the corner and I have since reclaimed them. Ever notice I use the word happily a lot as a conjunction? I like to think it says something positive about my inner psyche. I also use the phrases ‘ever notice?’ and ‘I like to think’ to the point of excess. Everything in moderation said the wise man, and then slowly drank himself to death. But the truth is I’m just frightfully unoriginal. Happily though, yes, happily, about half the time I’m plagiarizing myself, which in this legal world that’s insidiously destroying us, is considered relatively kosher. And the other half of the time I’m simply plagiarizing people you don’t know. Leaving about twenty percent for poor mathematics skills and obvious pirating of well-known material. The truth is out there, just not here. This is changing the subject, but have you ever been reading something, and someone says something completely loony without even realizing it? What do you do? Do you let it slide?

I say just punch him then and there.